A PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP INTO

A POWERFUL PARTNERSHIP

by Doris Helge, PhD. © 2012

YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF: THE MAGICAL INGREDIENT IN A POWERFUL PARTNERSHIP

The foundation of any happy relationship is a rich relationship with your Self. When you’re comfortable being 100 percent YOU, you live your values, so your life is always on-track. Because you don’t waste energy comparing yourself to other people, your inner critic takes a long snooze.

We are all hardwired to crave similar relationship goals.

• Powerful, productive professional partnerships
• Passionate romance fueled by a nurturing, loving, supportive relationship
• Peaceful parenting in which each person is heard, respected, loved and validated

Unfortunately, most people are struggling to be comfortable living in their own skin. Some people struggle to people please. Because they go along to get along, their colleagues and partners don’t trust them. There is an instinctive awareness, “I can’t count on them not to sway whichever way the wind blows, just to stay upright, no matter what happens to the rest of us.”

Other knee-jerk responses when people feel unstable in a wobbly world also sabotage relationships. Some people who feel out of control try to micro-manage or manipulate other people. Others withdraw from social interactions. Some hoard essential information and resources. Others engage in addictive behaviors. Some play the blame-and-victim-game, “I’m a victim and you’re the cause of my unhappiness.”

On the other hand, when you steadily shine your authentic inner light, most people will be drawn to you like sailors lured to a lighthouse on a stormy night.  Since so many people are struggling to discover their True Selves, most folks will be inspired by your example. They’ll sense that you’re living your values. You’ll be valued and validated just as you are.

THE DANCE OF YOUR TRUE SELF AND YOUR FALSE SELF

You are the one person with whom you will spend the rest of your life.

Each time you elevate your self-awareness, you foster a new level of self-acceptance.

It’s never who you are

that holds you back.

It’s who you think you are.

Each of us possesses a True Self and a False Self. Your True Self is the essence of who you are, no matter what other people have told you about yourself. Unfortunately, your True Self is often overshadowed by Your False Self. This self-image includes erroneous negative perceptions and self-judgments.

You can easily tell the difference between the two. Since your True Self is the true you, when you are living that reality, you are more likely to experience the following.

• You feel confident.
• You think clearly.
• You feel peaceful, contented or joyful.

When your False Self is in control, you are more likely to experience the opposite.

• You judge yourself harshly.
• You feel separate from other people.
• You compare yourself unfavorably to others or vice-versa.
• You feel like you must be superior to other people in order to feel secure or confident.
• You insist that you’re right or devalue someone else’s point of view.
• You’re plagued by a negative outlook on life.

Your False Self thrives by being out of sync with the present moment and the infinite possibilities available to you. It plays old movies that vividly portray a wide variety of unpleasant events from your past. Sinister soundtracks screech and hiss. Your False Self Theatre also specializes in graphic, detailed horror movies regarding potential, but very unlikely, future events. When False Self runs the show, it is as if you’ve invited the most critical commentator you could find to shadow you 24/7 and deliver a devilish documentary detailing evidence that you are capable of making mistakes. (Who isn’t?) The dreadful dialogue in the drama drags to the final forecast: Your life will never improve.

The next time you notice that your False Self is running the show, make a decision to create inner peace by spending a few minutes reconnecting with Your True Self. Close your eyes and breathe deeply while you consciously shift your posture into your most peaceful, confident way of being.

A RICH RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF IS THE ULTIMATE SHIELD AGAINST NEGATIVITY

The external world mirrors our relationship with ourselves back to us so we can see ourselves more clearly. This gift is often wrapped in prickly wrapping paper. An example is when someone else provides us the service of judging us harshly until we achieve a deep inner peace about our bulges and wrinkles. When we deny or ignore a negative mirror, the reflection usually becomes more intense until we love ourselves enough to admit our flaws and clean up our act.

The mirrors we don’t like to view can help us make a critical choice to act with higher integrity. We can resolve old hurts and behavior patterns and honor our true potential. We can decide to stop judging our imperfections. We may eventually decide, “What other people think of me is none of my business. I’m free to be my True Self!”

Sometimes a mirror is like a milestone marker for a world-class athlete. It’s a benchmark reflecting substantial progress. A characteristic someone shines to us causes us to notice, “I used to judge myself for being _______. Now it’s time to celebrate because I cleaned up my act.”

Allow the dance of your true self and your false self to inspire your journey toward greater freedom, joy and success. Because your new treasure chest of self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-respect will comprise the most powerful and dependable support system you can cultivate, your external relationships will be easier and more rewarding.

© 2012 Excerpted with permission from the Amazon.com #1 Bestselling book, “Joy on the Job” by Doris Helge, Ph.D. With over 20 years of experience, award-winning, Certified Master Coach Dr. Doris, has a proven track record of helping people like you Create Your New Life Story. Download your free ebooks and see client testimonials at http://FreeJoyEbooks.com. Sign up to test drive the next teleclass series, “TRANSFORM A PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP INTO A POWERFUL PARTNERSHIP” at http://TeleclassesWithDoris.com.

You may reprint this article as long as it remains intact and proper attribution is given.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR YOU

• “Transforming Pain Into Power  –  Making the Most of Your Emotions” http://TransformingPainIntoPower.com
• “Joy on the Job” http://.JoyOnTheJobBook.com
• “Conquer Your Inner Critic” http://.CoachingByDoris.com/innercriticfreebies
• Sign up for coaching: http://.CoachingByDoris.com/contact
• Sign up for your complimentary teleclass: http://TeleclassesWithDoris.com

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Enjoy happiness at work. Zap job stress! Gain “Joy on the Job.” Turn difficult people into supporters. Enjoy work-life balance. Doris Helge, Ph.D. shares the success strategies you need. You’ll build a support system & surround yourself with positive feedback when you reduce negativity at work. Enjoy peak performance whether you are an employee, solopreneur, manager or business owner. Proven techniques used by “One of the Top 10 Coaches in America” & Amazon.com #1 Bestselling Author, Life Coach & Business Coach, Dr. Doris. You’ll create much more fun and fulfillment at work so transform painful experience and emotions into Your Ideal Work Life now!

For more information, visit www.FreeJoyEbooks.com and www.JoyOnTheJobBook.com

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ARTICLE SUMMARY

Self assessments and personality indicators like Myers-Briggs and the DISC behavioral model assessment can be helpful tools for personal and professional growth. Psychometric inventories and assessments can also create limited thinking about our potential growth, achievement, flexibility and success. Self-discovery with a certified coach is a proven way to leap out of the self-assessment limitation box.

Integrating coaching with assessment tools is a win-win strategy. Employers and individuals such as entrepreneurs and employees can use assessments in the most advantageous ways without being trapped by their inherent limitations. See the related article, “Proof: Coaching is an Excellent Investment . . . Discover the return on investment (ROI) of coaching” on this web site. You’ll see statistics about the proven results of working with a certified coach. You’ll discover internal as well as external resources to propel your success.

ARE YOU IN THE SELF-ASSESSMENT LIMITATION BOX?

How many times have you heard someone say something like, “According to the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator, I’m an introvert (or extrovert) so I can’t _____”? When you hear that, it’s almost like the person is saying, “Do not expect me to be flexible, change, learn or grow. Act like I just arrived in a rigid box with a label like, ‘Authoritarian extrovert. Do not attempt to manipulate the contents of this box’.”

A client once said to me, “Pat’s a brute. Pat just can’t change. According to the DISC behavioral model assessment, this person will always be aggressive and demanding.” This is a serious misinterpretation of how personality indicators and behavioral model assessments were designed to be used. A tendency is not the total person. Neither is a behavioral preference. Plus, we all change, depending on circumstances, self-awareness, intentions and other factors, including whether or not we hire a coach.

Another client recently sent me four digital printouts of assessments about himself. The client’s request was disturbing. “Please review these before our coaching session. I want to plan a new life. I’m trying to interpret all of these assessment models about my personality and strengths. The harder I try, the more lost I feel. Help me out. I really want to know who I am. I need to know what I can achieve.”

Even though the instruments were reputable and had been conducted by professional service providers, the results were peppered with contradictions. The client had been labeled as power-oriented, compassionate, authoritarian, excellent in relating to others, introverted, extroverted, conscientious, patient, impatient, lacking follow-through and unmotivated.

With so many conflicting conclusions, you can see why he began his coaching session with a moan, “How can I be labeled authoritarian and power-oriented and also excellent in relating to other people? My brain is on tilt and my gut is a mess.”

You can imagine his relief when I said, “These assessments can provide value but they’re kind of like an MRI scan. They produce a snapshot in time. Who do you want to be?”

We then spent his valuable time clarifying his values, life purpose, vision and goals. Our rationale? We used coaching self-assessment tools as jumping-off points for developing passionate motivation. We emphasized his strengths, discovered hidden abilities and planned to compensate for his weaknesses.

After prioritizing his top five values, his vision became crystal clear. We developed a step-by-step plan he was excited about following because the course he set for himself was aligned with his core beliefs, competencies, values and vision. He became one of my most successful clients.

WHY DO WE LABEL AND LIMIT OURSELVES AND OTHER PEOPLE?

Our left brains are hard-wired to analyze people and situations as rapidly as possible. Our brains are set up to categorize as much data as possible to save precious energy. In order to manage the billions of new sensory data per minute competing for their attention, our brains quickly link a person, situation or characteristic with a previously stored association in our neural associative network.

This is why most of us are sometimes unconsciously lazy. We label people instead of being curious about who they are. We forget to ask questions like, “I wonder what they are capable of achieving?” and “What is this person teaching me about myself and life?” Too often, the labels that result from a personality inventory or behavioral assessment are confused with the person who is being assessed.

According to quantum mechanics, what exists changes according to the eye and expectations of an observer. The very presence of an observer produces an impact. This is often true regarding the person who confides, “The XYZ test says I’m _____.” His listeners expect him to act like ____. Voila! A self-fulfilling prophesy emerges.

Evidence to support this claim emerged long before the field of quantum mechanics became well-known. In the Rosenthal-Jacobson study leading to “the Pygmalion effect,” elementary school teachers were told which children were brighter than their peers. The teachers then unconsciously behaved in ways that facilitated and encouraged their students’ success.

We know that, within reason, people whom we expect to achieve more highly do surpass their peers. When our expectations for someone’s achievements are low, they internalize our poor expectations or our negative label. When we believe someone will excel and we wholeheartedly support them, because “reality” is so heavily influenced by the external world, the person almost always succeeds.

You can easily see how this process can block our personal and professional development. Instead of delighting in an exploratory conversation in which we’re curious to discover the inner workings of another person, we can limit ourselves and others by labeling people as an object with a fixed personality or rigid characteristics.

LEAP OUT OF THE SELF-ASSESSMENT LIMITATION BOX NOW

Almost everyone you know is capable of endless change and development. Why are so many people stuck in a rut, facing the same challenge over and over? Most people have been told that their personality and I.Q. are formed by age five. They perceive many of their abilities and weaknesses as set in a concrete block. All of us can shift our identity with conscious choice.

When you hear self-assessment labels, listen with respect. Gain any value available. Then remind yourself and the other person that all of us exist in a field of infinite possibilities. You can ask yourself and the other person simple questions like, “I see who the assessment says you are. Since this was a snapshot in time, who do you want to be now?” and “How do you want to grow beyond your existing identity?”

GAIN THE PROVEN ADVANTAGE OF COACHING

Coaching is a powerful, proven tool of helping people discover their hidden strengths, productively dream about their best possible future and then create what they want. Certified coaches elevate your problem-solving abilities. We use powerful, provocative questions to help you quickly and easily modify unpleasant situations. You discover how to transform painful events into empowering learning opportunities. You no longer feel like a victim of any circumstance because you discover how to use every situation in your life as a tool.

Coaches observe and honor your highest potential. We shine a spotlight on your greatness so you can shimmer brilliantly in a world that longs for your inner light.

You can read statistics about the value of coaching in a related article, “Proof: Coaching is an Excellent Investment . . . Discover the return on investment (ROI) of coaching.”

Enjoy self-discovery with a certified coach instead of passively accepting the results of an assessment or inventory. We’re trained to use a wide variety of techniques and tools to help you reach your full potential. Because we’re not limited by personality indicators, behavioral models or psychometric inventories, you’re never tempted to limit yourself by a label.

Your coach will also help you discover that many of your most powerful resources reside inside of you. This includes your amazing brain, body, mind, intuition and spirit. You’ll enjoy using every tool internally available to you, whether it’s a self-assessment or the crystal ball that emerges when you follow your intuition and attune with your inner wisdom. Take advantage of the proven magic of coaching!

© 2010. Are you ready to create a new life story? Download your free ebooks and MP3s at http://FreeJoyOnTheJobEbooks.com. Sign up for your complimentary “Personal Breakthrough Consultation” with certified coach and bestselling author, Doris Helge, Ph.D. at http://CoachingByDoris.com.

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Allow me to introduce you to a part of yourself that is perfectly prepared to connect you with a deep sense of inner peace, even when you’re surrounded by chaos. If you would like a proven way to let go of struggle, self-judgment or doubt, this article is worth reading.

C.W. is your “Curious Witness.” C.W. is one of the most effective and effortless tools you’ll ever discover for transforming painful experiences into personal power and joy.

C.W. already lives inside of you. Notice that you’re analyzing the idea of a C.W. while you read this article. You’ve just proven that part of you is already playing the role of a neutral witness. This component of yourself is, and always has been, a friendly part of your core self.

When you discover how to use C.W., you develop profound trust in yourself and in the process of life. You avoid emotional roller coasters, self-judgment and judgment of your experiences.

Sound good?

With C.W., you become so curious about watching the movie of your life that you can’t wait to see how each scene turns out. You accept life on its own terms, so you’re filled with inner peace. You trust that your movie (your life) will continue to be interesting, so you have no desire or demand that it turn out a certain way. Since you have no attachment to a certain outcome, you witness your life in an impartial manner.

When you discover how to work with C.W. you observe yourself having unpleasant feelings or experiences. You don’t avoid or deny your emotions because what we resist persists. However, your emotions don’t become a primary identity. You acknowledge negative emotions and experience them as sensations in your body. You still gain the benefits of emotions, including new insights, but you’re very clear that you are not the anger, fear, or sadness that you observe yourself experiencing.

Because C.W. is a neutral, factual observer detached from emotional angst, negative feelings flow through very quickly. There’s no resistance. You easily detect misperceptions so they gently fade away. When you work with C.W., you’re blessed with an impartial umpire 24/7.

This means that you effortlessly avoid the temptation to judge your experiences as bad, unfortunate, or unnecessary. Fears of the unknown are overwhelmed by excitement concerning your next steps. Your energy is fully available to you. With the curiosity and enthusiasm of a toddler exploring a colorful new playground, you ask yourself, “I wonder what’s next?”

C.W. also calms your inner critic because you simply observe mental chatter. Instead of believing in — empowering — your critic’s negative messages, the deeper, all-knowing part of you takes over.

A wonderful and spontaneous transition occurs when C.W. consistently serves as your personal assistant. One day, you notice that you have substituted curiosity and the joy of learning for expectations that cause pain when they don’t come to fruition.

Because C.W. helps you experience life in the moment, you link with one of your best resources — your intuition. You steadily prove to yourself that you always have dependable inner guidance. Since happiness is a side effect of living fully in each moment and following your internal clues, you notice yourself smiling more often.

This one simple technique — employing a personal witness — can help you let go of struggle and judgment and adopt bliss as a new “familiar zone,” a 24-hour a day lifestyle. Are you ready to begin? Start now to connect with a deep state of inner peace that is always available to you. The easy proven process of using your C.W. is fully described in the books, “Transforming Pain Into Power” and “Joy on the Job.”

Are you ready to create a new life story? Sign up for your complimentary “Breakthrough Session” with certified coach, Doris Helge, Ph.D. at http://CoachingByDoris.com. Download free ebooks & audios, including “How to Thrive in a Wobbly World” at http://FreeJoyOnTheJobEbooks.com.

Permission to reprint this article is granted if the article is in tact, with proper credit given. All reprints must state, “Reprinted with permission by Doris Helge, Ph.D. Originally published in “Transforming Pain Into Power” & http://CoachingByDoris.com © 2010.

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Do you know anyone who fatigues more easily during the winter months? Is it ever more difficult to get motivated or reach your peak performance during the season of short daylight? Seasonal affective Disorder (SAD) is quite common, particularly in climates with frequent gray skies or short winter days. The surprise is that even people in sunny Florida are sometimes affected by the “Winter Blues” syndrome.

SAD is related to changes in environmental light, overcast days, or inadequate indoor lighting. SAD is not only related to blue moods. It can create health problems because common symptoms include daytime fatigue, sugar binges, carbohydrate craving, weight gain, lethargy, hopelessness, lack of interest in normal activities, and social withdrawal. Most SAD sufferers hate to get out of bed in the morning because they never feel rested.

None of this produces peak performance or joy on the job. The good news is that the condition can be corrected thoughtfully and fairly inexpensively.

Light therapy has long been considered the ideal treatment for SAD. Full-spectrum bulbs and bulbs with color temperatures between 3000 and 6500 degrees can blast the winter blahs. Some studies have indicated up to 86% of people affected by winter SAD completely overcame their symptoms when the light bulbs were used consistently.

Fluorescent lights have obtained a mixed review. Some people report that fluorescents assist with SAD, but ultraviolet light can damage eyes and skin. Fluorescents can also rob the body of B vitamins, which are essential to our sense of well-being.

I previously directed a national agency located in Washington State, an area with short winter days and overcast skies for months at a time. Staff who were affected by SAD talked openly about the tendency to feel lethargic and be susceptible to the winter blahs. Tardiness and absenteeism increased as winter drug on.

After installing full-spectrum bulbs, we noted a remarkable decrease in irritability and a significant increase in energy for a very minimal cost. Teamwork began to excel. People were much more enthusiastic and they arrived on time. Health care costs declined.

Although SAD is usually discussed with respect to depression, there are also SAD stories related to anger and aggression at work. How can exchanging a colored incandescent bulb for a low-watt light bulb transform a vicious temper into a state of serenity?

A pale purple incandescent bulb can create cheerfulness by mimicking daylight. Light works for and against us. When it’s direct, glaring, or ultra-bright, it can cause eyestrain and headaches.

Because SAD is related to daylight, it is also helpful to increase outdoor activity, especially on sunny days. Humans weren’t designed to spend all winter in enclosed buildings. Gaining additional natural exposure to sun can significantly elevate energy levels. For these reasons, I encouraged our employees to go outside during breaks and did the same thing myself. Eating a balanced diet can also be immensely helpful in counteracting the tendency toward SAD.

If you are a manager or team leader, observe what happens when you survey your staff before and after directly addressing the common problem of SAD in winter, particularly in northern climates. Increased productivity, teamwork, and greater morale will make you glad you did.

Doris Helge, Ph.D. is a certified coach and mentor coach, author of “Joy on the Job,” “Transforming Pain Into Power,” and other books published in many foreign languages. Discover more at http://MoreJoyOnTheJob.com and http://TransformPainIntoPower.com, where you can download more free tips, articles and sample book chapters. You’ll also hear podcasts about “Secrets of Happiness” and you can sign up for the only ezine that focuses on happiness at work, the “Joy on the Job Ezine.”

If sad and mad are hanging around you this winter, get coaching about the winter blues. Visit http://CoachingByDoris.com.

You have permission to reprint the above article as long as it remains intact and proper attribution is given. © 2009.

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“All suffering is the result of the mind clinging to its unfortunate thoughts.” – Buddha

In Mary Sullivan’s brilliant essay, “Are You a Carrot, an Egg or a Bean?” she depicts a distraught daughter explaining to her mother about how “hard” life is. It’s so hard, the daughter contemplates the option of “ending it all.”

The mother escorts her daughter to the kitchen and immediately fills three pots with water and puts them on the stove.

In the first pot she places carrots.
In the second she places eggs.
And in the third pot, she places coffee beans.

Without saying a word she lets them boil. Twenty minutes later, she turns off the burners. She takes out the carrots and places them in a bowl. Next, she takes the eggs out and places them in a bowl. Then, she ladles out the coffee and places it in a bowl.

The daughter then asks, “Mother, what’s your point?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity – boiling water. However, each responded differently. The carrots went in strong and unrelenting; but after being subjected to the boiling water, they lost their strength. The eggs were “soft-hearted;” but after sitting through the boiling water, they became hard. Their conditions had changed them.

However, the coffee beans were unique. After being placed in boiling water, the coffee beans changed the water.

The beans actually changed the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain or adversity. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

When life leads you to your “boiling point” be as a coffee bean. Show your true nature and step into your own power to change the world around you. Change your conditions and unleash the greatness within you – expect success, express gratitude and take responsibility.

By Flo Mauri, Thinking Well Consulting, www.thinkingwellconsulting.com
Leave Comments at “Chart Your Change” blog, www.flomauri01@wordpress.com

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BLAST MYTHS THAT CREATE HOLIDAY STRESS

Myth #1:  People are so stressed and depressed during the holiday season that the suicide rate rises.

Truth: The rate of suicide drops during the holidays because happiness is related to feeling connected to other people. Most of us attend more social gatherings during the holidays than any other time of year.

Myth #2: You have to be superhuman to get your usual job tasks done and attack an endless holiday to-do list.

Truth: Most of us unconsciously feed each other’s anxiety like gasoline fuels a fire.

SHIELD YOURSELF FROM NEGATIVITY AT WORK

Identify and say “No thank you” to sources of negativity that have nothing to do with you.

Notice frantic thoughts and emotions. Are they yours? When did they emerge? How were you feeling before you began to feel uneasy?

We constantly create our reality with our thoughts and feelings. Imagination and emotion are generally more powerful than logic or “reality.”  Your thoughts have oomph.

Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. Because of the way humans are hardwired, focusing on your preferred outcome can trigger happiness at work.

REV UP YOUR INNATE ABILITY TO CREATE JOY ON THE JOB

Positive anticipation is like a magic potion that creates happy feelings. The mere thought of achieving a goal makes feel-good chemicals flow through your body. Prove this to yourself.

1. Notice how you feel when you plan a fun event. When you anticipate something you’ll enjoy, you activate your brain’s pleasure centers. Joy on the job can emerge before a reward materializes.

2. Close your eyes. Observe your emotions when you imagine completing a report and turning it in.

Purposely give yourself something to look forward to so you can enjoy more happiness at work.

Imagine what it would be like to enjoy your preferred outcome. Savor that sweet sensation for at least 15 seconds. You have begun to create a positive neural network in your brain that will expand over time.

Construct a new preferred highway of associative networks in your brain. An action such as touching your thumbs to your index fingers while feeling pleasurable emotions will stimulate your brain to create an automatic response you can recall at will. Repeat this anchoring process until your new highway is strong and stable. It will keep you on track as you work toward your goal.

Your rewards will be amazing as long as you also take action to achieve your goals.

Positive thinking, even when combined with the power of pleasurable feelings, will merely keep you out of the doldrums unless it is coupled with focused action. Acknowledge, without resistance, any negative emotions that emerge.

PUT HOLIDAY STRESS AT WORK TO REST

Withdraw from the fray when other people unconsciously prod each other to fret about the future. Identify sources of negativity. Don’t take on emotions and concerns that aren’t yours.

Focus on your preferred outcome. Use proven neurolinguistic programming (NLP) techniques and positive anticipation to guide you toward joy on the job all year.  In this article, we explored one tried-and-true NLP technique. To discover many more, grab a copy of the book, “Joy on the Job” and sign up for coaching with “The Joy Coach.”

To discover more happiness in all areas of your life, sign up for your free “Discovery Session” with “The Joy Coach.” You’ll leave the session enthusiastic, re-energized, and with crystal-clear clarity about your next steps.

You can also download free ebooks and podcasts like “Secrets of Happiness,” “Thrive in a Wobbly World,” and “Get the Respect & Appreciation You Deserve Now,” at http://www.FreeJoyOnTheJobEbooks.com.  Doris Helge, Ph.D., is 100% dedicated to your happiness and success.  Discover more at www.CoachingByDoris.com or http://MastermindWithDoris.com.

©  2009. This article was excerpted with permission from “Joy on the Job” by  Doris Helge, Ph.D.  Permission to reprint this article is granted if the article is in  tact, with proper credit given.  All reprints must state “Reprinted with permission  by  Doris  Helge, Ph.D.  Originally published in “Joy on the Job,”  http://MoreJoyOnTheJob.com ©  2009.

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Contrary to popular wisdom, it should be easier — not tougher — to spell “Happiness at Work” during the holiday season. Here are some tips for boosting your joy on the job during the festive winter season of peace and joy.

H –– Humor. Most of us act like we have delight-deficiency disorder during the holiday season. Research has proven that we get our work done better and faster when we relax and enjoy performing our tasks. Laughter reduces stress. Encourage employees and customers to think of bumper stickers they might see on the back of Santa’s sleigh . . . like “I brake for cookies.”

A––Ambience. Cubicles covered with constantly blinking, bright red lights will jar anyone’s nervous system. Substitute tiny, soft lights that provide the holiday atmosphere you’re seeking without disrupting your peace on Earth.

P––Perspective. The holiday season is a time to notice how blessed we are and give to those less fortunate. Organize an office donation or volunteer effort for a local charity. It will bring you joy and help you drop your compulsion to find the perfect gift for the person who needs nothing.

P––Postpone procrastination. It may look like Santa has no duties 364 days out of the year, but that’s because he paces production all year long. List what you think you really need to do. Take a break, review your list, and delete all nonessential tasks. Address a few items each day and you’ll accomplish all of your important tasks with minimal stress.

I––Infuse purpose. If you don’t want to attend a mandatory holiday function because you hate meaningless small talk, take charge of your life. Create precious networking opportunities with people you don’t normally work with. Be authentic. Other people will gravitate to you like bees to honey.

N––Not-to-do. Don’t agree to carry more than of your share of the load because resentment is a heavy burden. When you decide what to wear and drink at the office party, remember you may be making a presentation to the same people soon. If someone behaves inappropriately, extract yourself calmly and with compassion so you can maintain a business relationship.

E––Energize with alpha. Emergency room personnel and other high-stress employees understand the power of the alpha state of mind. This is a way of being in which we are relaxed yet focused. You can quickly and easily de-stress by focusing on your breath and counting. Create a pattern of deep rhythmic breathing even if you’re rushing to a meeting.

S––Strengths based language. Your internal dialog programs your reality. “When I accomplish this task” produces a very different result than “If I ever finish this assignment . . . ” Notice how empowered you feel with small shifts in your language. When you don’t know how to modify your self-talk, ask yourself, “What would an optimistic person say?”

S––Self care. Elevate your spirit. Aromatherapy is a mood mender. Lavender calms and bergamot stimulates the production of the feel-good neurotransmitter serotonin. Peppermint increases productivity and focus. Work in your workout time even if you have to shorten it during the holidays.

A––Altruism. Happiness at work is related to pursuing meaningful goals with an altruistic motivation. Give in fun, no-cost ways. Enjoy making the day of a harassed coworker by being the one person who smiles and doesn’t demand the impossible.

T––Talk it out. Express your needs instead of expecting coworkers to guess your stress. Some conflicts require new behaviors by both parties, but talking openly about stresses helps you bond. Connections with others are a major component of joy on the job.

W––Watch your cash flow. Most employees today enjoy gag gifts or a grab-bag gift exchange with a ceiling price. Companies have become very creative about enjoying the least expensive seasonal entertainments, such as caroling or enjoying free concerts. An in-house improvisational theatre performance can be delightful . . . no preparation and lots of laughs.

O––Open mindedness. We sap our energy and become lethargic when we unconsciously scarf holiday treats. Overindulgence weakens the immune system during the very season we want to celebrate. We can enjoy our goodies much more by eating a smaller amount and slowly savoring every bite. Eating thoughtfully ensures that we’ll stop before becoming too full.

R––Rest and recharge. Burning the candle at both ends guarantees only one thing . . . you’ll become ill and sniffle through a chunk of your holiday season. Get your Zzzzzzs. If you can’t find time for a tiny break during the day, imagine for just a few minutes that you are totally relaxed. Your mind doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what you imagine. Feed your body feelings of relaxation. It will reward you with less tension.

K––Keep your focus. Anticipating a positive outcome stimulates happy feelings. The mere thought of achieving a goal, whether it’s a fun office party or receiving more support from coworkers, makes feel-good chemicals course though your body. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

To discover more happiness in all areas of your life, sign up for your free “Discovery Session” with “The Joy Coach.” You’ll leave the session enthusiastic, re-energized, and with crystal-clear clarity about your next steps.

You can also download free ebooks and podcasts like “Secrets of Happiness,” “Thrive in a Wobbly World,” and “Get the Respect & Appreciation You Deserve Now,” at http://www.FreeJoyOnTheJobEbooks.com. Doris Helge, Ph.D., is 100% dedicated to your happiness and success. Discover more at www.CoachingByDoris.com or http://MastermindWithDoris.com.

© 2009. This article was excerpted with permission from “Joy on the Job” by Doris Helge, Ph.D. Permission to reprint this article is granted if the article is in tact, with proper credit given. All reprints must state “Reprinted with permission by Doris Helge, Ph.D. Originally published in “Joy on the Job,” http://MoreJoyOnTheJob.com © 2009.

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“The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between political parties either – but right through every human heart. ~Alexander Solzhenitsyn

I heard this story over 30 years ago and never forgot it.

A banquet is being held in the neighborhood of heaven, while a similar banquet is being held in the vicinity of hell. Each long table is covered in white damask table clothes. There is an abundance of roasts, casseroles, soups, spreads, a variety of fish, crustaceans, delectable grilled, sautéed, and dressed vegetables with scrumptious international foods and pastries to put a French patisserie to shame.

In each banquet hall, there are 24 seats at the table, 12 on each side so that guests are facing each other. All the guests, both in heaven and in hell, unfortunately have their arms in casts (from their shoulders to their wrists), and positioned in such a way as to have their arms extended out in front of them.

The guests in hell are really miserable. They can reach for the food, but they cannot bend their arms to reach their mouths. They couldn’t be more wretched. They just sit there looking at all the delectable food and starve.

The guests in heaven also have casts on their arms, but they figured out that while they can’t feed themselves, they can feed someone else and that someone else can feed them. They all have a good old time feeding each other enjoying the great abundance of food.

So, the question is, in which one of the above zip codes are you living? Are you a Bedford Falls resident or do you live in Pottersville?

You can find out more about Flo Mauri by visiting her website or blog below:

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Have you ever come across someone at work whose behavior is quite rude and appalling and yet he/she passes under the radar. It’s as if the behavior is not seen and yet it takes a distressing toll on the workplace. Below the waterline behavior has been defined as “actions such as making false accusations, glaring, discounting others’ ideas, backbiting, gossiping, constantly criticizing, giving people the silent treatment, making impossible demands, etc. All are examples of not treating people with the respect they deserve.” Bullies, in particular, tend to single out their intended targets when no one is watching. A bully is someone who has found a behavior that works because he or she has identified opportunities and others as victims. As my mentor would say, you cannot have a tyrant without a victim. This speaks to a victim mindset. We have all read stories and have seen movies where one day, the “victim” stands his/her ground and confronts his/her harasser.

In the “Shawshank Redemption,” the “victim,” Andy Dufresne, took about 20 years to achieve his deliverance from his aggressors, the warden and a guard. There were mitigating circumstances. In the end, he not only escaped, but made it possible for others to be freed from all future transgressions by the aggressors. It was beautiful to watch.

The hero, Andy, defies the warden and is repeatedly punished. He figures out another way to release himself from this tyranny and this has a profound retribution effect on his bullies. He escapes, reaches the river and is washed clean of his past by the rain – above the waterline, while his nemesis is symbolically drowning below the waterline (his bad behavior takes a toll). The lasting take-away from this tale, is that redemption works both ways. There is a kind of karmic dust sprinkled on both villain and hero.

Sometimes confronting the bully takes on a more indirect approach. Breaking the chains in which tyrannical bullies encircle the workplace require a commitment to self. How important is it to your well-being and happy state of mind?

In the book “Crucial Confrontations,” there’s a piece about deciding when to speak up and there are three questions to help you decide. We can always find reasons for remaining silent and we know that it often leads to unresolved problems. Ask yourself the following to make sure you’re not avoiding something you should confront:
• Am I acting out my concern?
• Am I telling myself I’m helpless?
• Is my conscience nagging me?

Taking action may require support from others, and external resources to help you. When you do take action, remember your triumph and congratulate yourself on standing your ground.

November has now included a Freedom From Bullies in the Workplace Week — a national awareness movement sponsored by Workplace Bullying Institute to eradicate bullying by combining public education, help for individuals, employer solutions and legislative advocacy. In many workplaces this bellow the waterline behavior is not easily identified. It does not fall into the category of sexual, racial, gender orientation harassment — but we know it exists!

One of the tenets of coaching is to respect the client’s humanity. This goes beyond giving the respect people deserve. It embraces the concept that we see the foibles, flaws, issues and behaviors of others in the light of the journey we are all taking and know that we are all at different intersections and even on different roads and to respect where people are at any given point in time. Nevertheless, we can set boundaries and teach others not to cross them.

I welcome your thoughts, and/or your story of a journey you have made or are making regarding bullies in the workplace. Leave comments at Chart Your Change.

Website: www.thinkingwellconsulting.com
Blog: www.flomauri01.wordpress.com

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